Rediscover the Joy of Connection
Are you longing to deepen your bond with your partner? The Gottman Method of Couples Therapy offers a proven path to revitalize your relationship. Unlike traditional therapy, this approach focuses on building a strong foundation for lasting love.
West Coast Psychotherapy specializes in helping couples harness the power of the Gottman Method. Led by me, John Edwards, one of the few black Gottman Method certified relationship therapists in the country.
I am dedicated to empowering couples to reconnect and thrive. Let me guide you on your journey towards a happier, more connected life together.
Navigating Gottman Method Couples Therapy
Start from the beginning or choose your specific path to learn how I utilize the Gottman Method to help couples transform their relationship.
What is Gottman Method Couples Therapy?
The Gottman Method is a research-based approach to couples therapy that focuses on building strong, lasting relationships. Developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, this method emphasizes the importance of emotional connection, effective communication, and conflict management. By understanding your partner's emotional world and developing practical skills, you can create a fulfilling and enduring partnership.
Building a Strong Foundation
At the heart of the Gottman Method Couples Therapy is the belief that strong relationships are built on emotional connection. By cultivating a deep understanding of your partner and responding to their emotional needs, you can create a solid foundation for your relationship.
Love Maps
Developing intimate knowledge of your partner's world is essential for a thriving relationship. Through open and honest communication, you'll learn about their hopes, dreams, fears, and values. This shared understanding fosters a sense of connection and empathy.
Turning Towards Bids for Connection
Every day, your partner makes small bids for your attention and affection. By responding positively to these bids, you strengthen your emotional bond. Learning to recognize and respond to these moments creates a climate of trust and intimacy.
Manage Conflict Constructively
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. However, how you handle disagreements can significantly impact your connection. The Gottman Method teaches you effective strategies for managing conflict in a way that preserves your relationship.
4 Big Communication Mistakes Couples Make:
The Four Horseman of the Apocalpyse
The relationship communication process can go awry quite quickly for numerous reasons. John Gottman, PhD and Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD the creators of the Gottman Method for Couples Therapy, identified 4 communication patterns that when present will predict the communication process will spiral downward within 90 seconds. The Gottmans refer to these 4 communication patterns as the Four Horsemen of Apocalypse. Yes, this alludes to the death and destruction found in the Book of Revelation in the bible but this is where the connection ends. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse also predict divorce or relationship demise or destruction within 5 years with over 90% accuracy hence the reference and name.
Criticism
Criticism involves attacking your partner's character or personality. It often starts with "you" statements that blame and accuse. For instance, "You never listen to me" or "You're so selfish." This type of communication creates defensiveness and resentment, hindering effective problem-solving.
Antidote: Focus on specific behaviors and express your feelings. For example, "I feel hurt when the dishes are left in the sink." This approach encourages open dialogue and problem-solving.
Defensiveness
An attempt to protect yourself from perceived criticism. It involves blaming your partner or denying responsibility for your actions. For example, "It's not my job to do the dishes." Defensiveness prevents open communication and hinders problem-solving.
Antidote: Take responsibility for your actions and avoid blaming your partner. For instance, "I understand you're frustrated, and I'll make sure to clean up the kitchen next time."
Contempt
Contempt is the most destructive of the Four Horsemen, as it conveys disgust and superiority. It often involves sarcasm, mockery, or insults.
Example: "What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you just clean up the kitchen after you eat? You’re such a lazy slob. I work hard all day and I came home, made dinner, and cleaned up the kitchen after I was done because I actually have manners and respect for others."
Contempt erodes respect and trust, making it difficult to repair the relationship.
Antidote: Cultivate appreciation and respect for your partner. Focus on their positive qualities and contributions to the relationship. State your own feelings, needs, and wants. This can be quite challenging because you have to know what your own needs and wants are and state them in a noncritical, non-defensive and non-contemptuous way.
"I feel really flustered when the kitchen is messy. I would really appreciate it if you could clean up once you’re finished eating."
Stone Walling
Stonewalling is withdrawing from the conversation to avoid conflict. It can involve physical withdrawal (leaving the room) or emotional withdrawal (becoming silent or unresponsive). Stonewalling creates distance and prevents problem-solving.
Antidote:
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First, try to remain in the conversation.
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If you're not able to do that STOP the conversation with a simple “I am sorry, I am not able to talk right now. I need to take a break.”
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Then take a break for at least 30 minutes. The purpose of the break is to self-soothe and calm yourself down.
Flooding & Self-Soothing
When intense emotions arise during a conflict, it's common to experience what's known as physiological flooding. ​Physiologically flooded means that our pulse is over 100 beats per minute or over 80 beats per minute for those who are quite athletic. In this state, we are biologically unable to have a productive conversation.
Self Soothe
To regain composure and prevent escalating the conflict, it's essential to Self Soothe. Take a break from the conversation to engage in calming activities like deep breathing, listening to music, or spending time in nature.
DO NOT
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Use this time to ruminate on the argument or plan your next move. This will only intensify your emotions. Instead, focus on calming down and regaining your perspective.
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Try not to engage in thoughts such as “Why is s/he doing this to me?” which is called innocent victimhood or thoughts of righteous indignation “I don’t have to put up with this *^*&%%*^.”
Overcome Relationship Challenges with the Gottman Method
We will work together to:
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Identify how the Four Horsemen are impacting your relationship
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Implement the antidotes when a horseman is used as you talk with each other as a couple.
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Use effective, positive communication strategies
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Build a stronger, more resilient partnership
Start your journey toward a happier healthier relationship with my guidance with Gottman Method Couples Therapy today!
Step-by-Step What to Expect in Therapy
Gottman Method Couples Therapy Process
Assessment Phase
Gottman Relationship Checkup - 60-90 min
This online assessment is an opportunity to provide specific information about your perspective on the current state of your relationship plus individual history, current functioning, and family history.
Session 1:
The Joint Interview
90 minute session
We’ll explore the details of your relationship history as a couple including hard times and good times.
Session 2:
Individual Interviews
90 minutes, split into two 45-minute sessions
Each of you will meet with me individually. During each session, I will obtain more detailed information about your personal and family history and experiences.
Session 3:
Feedback Session
90 minutes, split into two 45-minute parts
During the Feedback session, I will provide you with written feedback which is a snapshot of your relationship based on your joint interview, individual interviews, and the Gottman Relationship check-up. This includes the challenges and strengths observed in your relationship and pathways for moving toward healing and repairing your relationship. This may take about half of the session. If enough time remains we can begin the active intervention couple’s therapy process.
Intervention
Once the assessment process is complete, I will utilize the Gottman Method as the primary modality and base for interventions. I will also utilize concepts from other modalities such as Accelerated Dynamic Psychotherapy for Couples (AEDPfc), Interpersonal Neurobiology for Couples, Internal Family Systems for Couples and Brainspotting. Each intervention used will be purposed to help you repair, revitalize, rejuvenate, and strengthen your relationship. This includes the crucial tasks of rebuilding trust and gaining a greater understanding of each other.
Affair Recovery:
The Gottman Trust Revival Method
Infidelity is a deeply painful experience that can shatter trust and leave couples questioning the future of their relationship. The Gottman Trust Revival Method offers a structured approach to healing and rebuilding trust after an affair.​
This method consists of three distinct phases:
Atonement
The first phase involves acknowledging the pain caused by the infidelity and taking responsibility for the actions.
The Betrayed Partner may have numerous questions about the affair, seeking details about the who, what, where, when, and how. This phase often serves as a corrective experience, validating the betrayed partner's feelings and confirming their reality. It's important to note that sex-related questions and exploring the "why" of the affair are typically avoided during this phase, as they can increase trauma for the betrayed partner.
The Betrayer must be completely open, honest, and transparent when answering the betrayed partner's questions. All contact with the affair partner must cease, and the betrayer should be prepared to provide complete access to emails, cell phones, and any other relevant information. It's crucial to avoid minimizing the impact of the affair or providing evasive answers. Demonstrating empathy and expressing deep remorse is essential during this phase.
Attunement
The second phase focuses on rebuilding emotional connection and communication.
The Couple must end patterns of conflict avoidance and create a shared narrative about how the affair came about. The couple should learn to turn towards each other's bids for emotional connection. Replacing negativity, such as trash talking or harboring resentments, with appreciation, cherishing, and gratitude is essential. Establishing a couple identity within a supportive community can strengthen the relationship.
Attachment
The final phase focuses on rebuilding trust and creating a new, stronger relationship.
The couple develops skills to discuss and manage ongoing issues, often referred to as "gridlocked perpetual problems." Learning to have open and intimate conversations is crucial. Building mutual investment, interdependence, and a willingness to make sacrifices for the relationship is essential. Fostering a positive regard for each other and engaging in pro-relationship activities strengthens the bond.
Establishing clear boundaries and setting a "high cost" for future betrayals can deter infidelity. Creating personal sex and intimate trust is a significant step in the healing process. Ultimately, the goal is to bring new shared meaning into the relationship.
These complex processes require guidance from a skilled therapist.
As a Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist, I can provide the support and expertise needed to navigate this challenging journey. Remember, healing from infidelity is a process, and it's essential to seek professional help.
Couples Therapy | LGBT Couples Therapy
Oakland | Berkeley | Alameda | San Francisco Bay Area | CA
Relationship Therapy to save or improve your marriage or relationship
Weekly Counseling | Extended Sessions | House Calls
Private Couples Therapy Weekend Retreats
Couples therapy can help if you are experiencing any of the following in your relationship:
Loneliness
Isolation
Disconnection
Frustrating arguments
Difficulty solving problems
Lack of intimacy and romance
If yes, are you willing to work as if you’re training for a marathon to make changes in your relationship?
This means a true commitment to yourself and your partner to transform the dynamics and patterns in your relationship.
Does couples therapy work?
The answer is yes but....
In order to improve or save your relationship or marriage you absolutely must be willing to change the negative unhelpful narrative or story that you tell yourself about your spouse/partner.
Many couples show up to couples counseling with the following idea more or less - "I am fine. Please fix my partner or spouse as they are the problem and then all will be well. Also please do this in the least amount of time and as cheaply as possible.
Couples Therapy for Communication Problems
Communication is the number one reason couples request relationship counseling. But what exactly is communication?
How come so many couples struggle with this issue?
What is communication in couples therapy?
According to the Merriam Webster Dictionary communication is “a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior”
The Business Dictionary defines communication as “Two-way process of reaching mutual understanding, in which participants not only exchange (encode-decode) information, news, ideas and feelings but also create and share meaning.
In general, communication is a means of connecting people or places. In business, it is a key function of management--an organization cannot operate without communication between levels, departments and employees. See also communications.”
I define communication as the exchange of energy and information between two people. A relationship or marriage cannot operate without communication.
The relationship communication process can go awry quite quickly for numerous reasons. John Gottman, PhD and Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD the creators of the Gottman Method for Couples Therapy identified 4 communication patterns that when present will predict the communication process will spiral downward within 90 seconds.
The Gottmans refer to these 4 communication patterns as the The Four Horsemen of Apocalypse. Yes, this alludes to the death and destruction found in the Book of Revelation in the bible but this is where the connection ends.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse also predict divorce or relationship demise or destruction within 5 years with over 90% accuracy hence the reference and name.
What does couples therapy to save or improve your marriage or relationship look like with me?
The Gottman Method Couples Therapy Process
The Couples Therapy Assessment Phase includes:
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The Gottman Relationship Checkup is completed online. (Takes about 90 minutes to complete)
The First Couples Therapy Session - 90 minutes:
A joint interview with the couple to obtain history and to get a narrative about your relationship.
The Second Couples Therapy Session - Two Parts - 45 minutes each for a total of 90 minutes
An individual interview with each of you to learn more about you individually.
The Third Couples Therapy Session - 90 minutes - split into two parts
Part One - Feedback (about 45 minutes):
Provide feedback based on the first two sessions and your answers from the Gottman Relationship Checkup. A blueprint of how to move forward and what to address are developed during this session. (About 45 minutes)
Part Two - The Intervention Process begins (about 45 minutes):
The relationship counseling process takes it’s natural course based on the couple’s commitment and participation. I begin to actively help the couple repair, revitalize and rejuvenate their relationship.
Couples Therapy Fees
The assessment - Three 90-minute sessions - $450 per session = $1,350 total.
Once the assessment (first three sessions) is completed:
Option 1: $450 per 90 minute session (recommended)
Option 2: $400 per 75 minute session
Option 3: $330 per 60 minute session
THE FOUR BIG COMMUNICATION MISTAKES THAT COUPLES MAKE
~The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse~
&How To Avoid Them
CRITICISM | DEFENSIVENESS | CONTEMPT | STONEWALLING
CRITICISM:
When you describe your partner/spouse in a way that says there is something wrong with her/him. They are defective in some way or have a flaw in their character.
Example of criticism:
What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you just clean up the kitchen after you eat? You’re so lazy.
Antidote - What to do instead
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Use a gentle start-up
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Gosh, the kitchen is messy. I would really appreciate if you clean up after you’re done eating.
DEFENSIVENESS
An attempt to protect yourself. This is the typical response to being criticized. Your position is defended against actual or anticipated feedback or criticism.
Example of Defensiveness
It goes something like this “I worked hard today. Why can’t I just leave dishes in the sink for a few minutes. It’s not even that bad”
Antidote - What to do instead
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Take responsibility even for a small portion of the issue or problem.
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Oh, yes, I did leave dishes in the sink. (That’s it nothing else at this point)
CONTEMPT
Criticism with a morally superior attitude.
​
Example of contempt
What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you just clean up the kitchen after you eat? You’re such a lazy slob. I work hard all day and I came home made dinner and cleaned up the kitchen after I was done because I actually have manners and respect for others.
Antidote - What to do instead
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State your own feelings, needs and wants. This can be quite challenging because you have to know what your own needs and wants are and then state them in a non critical, non defensive and non contemptuous ways.
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I feel really flustered when the kitchen is messy. I would really appreciate it if you could clean up once you’re finished eating.
DO NOT DO THIS:
Sometimes you may be tempted to say "I feel that you’re a lazy slob who should clean up." This is still problematic as you’re describing your partner/spouse.
Stay away from statements that start with “I feel that you” especially as you begin to practice the antidotes to the Four Horsemen.
STONEWALLING
When one person checks out or withdraws from the conversation because the person has become overwhelmed or physiologically flooded. When the person who is stonewalling is acting as if you’re not there your own emotional upset and anger can increase exponentially. This can then cause you to check out and became physiologically flooded.
Example of Stonewalling:
You're talking to your partner and s/he just stares back at you not saying a word. Perhaps s/he looks away or at their watch etc. Sometimes s/he may have a blank look or confused look on their face.
Antidote - What to do instead
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First try to remain in the conversation.
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If you're not able to do that STOP the conversation with a simple “I am sorry, I am not able to talk right now. I need to take a break.”
-
Then take break for at least 30 minutes. The purpose of the break is to self soothe/calm yourself down.
Physiologically flooded means that our pulse is over 100 beats per minute or over 80 beats per minute for those that are quite athletic. In this state we are biologically unable to have a productive conversation. The option is to self soothe.
Self Soothe for at least 30 minutes
Do something to relax such as listening to soothing music, reading your favorite magazine, working in your garden etc. The idea is to calm down.
DO NOT go and gather more ammunition by thinking about all the things you could have said and then come back ready to emotionally blast your partner/spouse.
Try not engage in thoughts such as “Why is s/he doing this to me?” which is called innocent victimhood or thoughts of righteous indignation “I don’t have to put up with this *^*&%%*^.”
Gottman Couples Therapy teaches the couple how to master the antidotes to The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Once you've got the antidotes down, you have started the process of changing your communication patterns in your relationship or marriage.
As a Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist this is how I can help you master the communication problems in your relationship.
I will review the Four Horsemen and help you to see how they invade and impact your relationship or marriage. I will teach you how to implement the antidotes until you’re able to implement the antidotes on your own.
I will teach you to help each other implement the antidotes when a horsemen is used as you talk with each other as a couple.
Gottman Method Couples Therapy teaches the couple how to successfully manage conflict in your relationship or marriage
Many couples struggle to manage conflict. Two of the biggest mistakes that couples make are to believe that conflict is bad and try to have a conflict free relationship or marriage.
This is an impossible task when we have two individuals together.
The Gottman Method of Couples counseling provides a pathway to successfully manage conflict versus resolve conflict.
You will learn skills in the following areas:
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How to dialogue about problems
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How to accept your partner’s Influence
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How to Self Soothe
You will learn to identify the two types of problems that are found in relationships or marriages. These are 1) perpetual problems and 2) solvable problems.
Couples Therapy For Perpetual Problems.
About 69% of problems in a relationship or marriage are perpetual problems. Yes this is correct 69% it is not a typo. This means the vast majority of your relationship problems or marriage problems will never go away.
Perpetual problems are the result of fundamental personality differences or lifestyle needs. Couples talk about the same problems over and over. Sometimes there seems to be some headway about the problem and things seem to get better for a short time but only to have the problems re-emerge again and again.
All couples have perpetual problems.
The trick is to determine if you’ve got a set of perpetual problems that you can live with and learn how to discuss these problems without destroying each other and becoming gridlocked on the issues.
This also means if you go into another relationship you’ll be trading one set of perpetual problems for a different set of perpetual problems. This information is based on research conducted by John Gottman, PhD. In other words I am not just making it up.
Couples Therapy For Gridlocked Perpetual Problems
When couples are unable to dialogue about their perpetual problems it leads to emotional disengagement. One of the reasons that a person is not able to yield on a gridlocked problem is that there is a fundamental need or dream or value system that is core to that person’s personality.
Creating a safe atmosphere in the relationship allows the partner to talk about their feelings, needs and dreams.
As the Gottmans say “within the worst relational conflicts lie the greatest opportunities for growth and intimacy”
Couples Therapy for Solvable Problems
Solvable problems are typically situational and a solution can be determined and maintained. One of the keys to resolving solvable problems is to avoid the use of the 4 horsemen.
Solvable problems are often about specific issues such as house cleaning, discipline of children or sex.
The 6 Skills from Couples Therapy for managing conflict in a relationship or marriage
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Softened/Gentle Start up
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Repair and De-escalation
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Physiological Self Soothing
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Accept What You Cannot Change (understanding your partner’s way of thinking)
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Accept Your Partner’s Influence
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Compromise.
Couples Therapy
for
Affairs | Cheating | Infidelity
Of all the issues a couple may face infidelity/cheating/an affair whether emotional or physical is perhaps one of the worse as it rips at the very fabric of the relationship.
The feelings are wide ranging when a person who believes that s/he/they are in a monogamous relationship finds out there has been a betrayal.
The person who has been betrayed frequently ends up traumatized and in many cases develops Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Affairs wreak havoc on relationships.
​
However, before going further there is something that folks have to figure out. If there has been an affair you have to determine if you’re involved with someone who cheated or you’re involved with a cheater.
What’s the difference between someone who cheated and a cheater?
Someone who has cheated
This person forms a relationship with another person that infringes on the boundaries of the primary relationship.
It starts out innocently enough.
The person begins to confide in, flirt with, keep the relationship secret from their partner/spouse and begin to share negative comparisons of their partner/spouse with the other person.
This person finds the new person more exciting, easier to talk with, and more understanding among other things. This is the beginning of an emotional affair and often cascade to a physical affair.
One question to ask yourself is “how would you feel if your partner was engaging in these behaviors?”
Check out the Someone Who Cheats Cascade.
A Cheater
Someone who has no intention of being in a monogamous relationship but will pretend that s/he/they want to be in one.
This person may or may not keep other relationships secret.
If found out this person expects their spouse/partner to understand and not make a big deal about it.
Please note this is not the same as a polyamorous relationship in which all partners agree on the parameters of the relationship.
Nor is this the same for those who agree to be in an open relationship.
Can a relationship recover from an affair?
The answer is YES BUT it requires a significant amount of commitment and hard work.
The Gottman Couples Therpy
Trust Revival Method
The Affair Recovery System
The Three Distinct Phases of Recovery From An Affair
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Atonement
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Attunement
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Attachment.
Atonement
The Betrayed Partner
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May have tons of questions regarding the affair.
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Will most likely want to ask questions about the affair(s).
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The who, what, where, when and how is talked about.
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This is the very beginning to the healing process as often this is a corrective experience for the betrayed partner to obtain validation that s/he was not crazy.
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Frequently when an affair is occurring the betrayer engages in behaviors that leaves the betrayed partner feeling as if s/he is going crazy.
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Sex related questions are not permitted as these often result in increased trauma for the betrayed partner.
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The “WHY” of the affair is not examined in this phase as it often results in the betrayed partner feeling or being blamed.
The Betrayer
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Be completely open, honest and transparent with her/his answers to the questions posed by the betrayed partner.
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Must cut off all contact with the affair person
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The entire sordid truth.
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Becomes an open book - total access to emails, cell phones and any contact with the affair person must be shared
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This is NOT the time to pull a “Bill Clinton” by mincing words, glossing over or minimizing the details and impact of the affair
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Listen empathically and express deep and real remorse
Attunement
The Couple
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Ends conflict avoidance
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Creates a narrative about how the affair came about
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Couple learns to turn towards each other’s bids for emotional connection
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Replace negativity such as trash talking about your partner and resentments with appreciation, cherishing and gratitude.
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Establish yourself as a couple through a set of norms in a community that supports your relationship.
Attachment
The couple
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Develops skills to talk about gridlocked perpetual issues
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Learns and implements skills to have intimate conversations
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Develops mutual investment, interdependence and sacrifices for the relationship.
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Builds commitment and has a positive regard for each other and engages in pro-relationship activities.
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Sets up a formal high cost for future betrayals.
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Creates personal sex and intimate trust. This is usually one of the final building blocks in the repair and recovery process.
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New shared meaning is brought into the relationship.
These complex processes are guided by me your expert Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist and as they say on Myth Busters should not be tried at home.
Couples Therapy For Drug Addiction
Couples who are experiencing the impact of drug addiction or alcohol addiction are often at a loss as to how to proceed and how to get help. Much of the help out there is geared towards individuals. Very little is directed at helping couples through the maze of problems and challenges, and negative consequences that result from drug addiction or alcohol addiction.
Have you been struggling with the negative consequences of addiction in your relationship or marriage?
Are you ready to commit to rebuilding your relationship or marriage by learning about addiction as a disease versus character failure?
Are you ready to commit to your own recovery process and the recovery process for your relationship?
Are you willing to make the sacrifices and changes needed to have the type of relationship you dream of?
Couples Therapy when drug or alcohol abuse or other addictions are present in the relationship:
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Identify the addiction
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Addiction is a treatable disease
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Address denial
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Develop a process to move from active addiction to recovery
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Improve conflict management skills
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Learn the difference between “codependency” and “interdependency” and how to identify and set appropriate boundaries
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Develop a relationship recovery plan while supporting your partner’s recovery and strengthening your own individual recovery
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Heal from the negative impact of addiction
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Work towards health and wellness as individuals, as a couple and as a family if children are involved.
Couples Therapy when Trauma is present in the relationship:
What is trauma?
Trauma is the emotional result that occurs after a person has experienced an event in which the following occurred at the same time:
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you felt helpless
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the event was frightening, unexpected and occurred suddenly
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you felt your life was at stake
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you felt emotionally out of control
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you felt isolated
It is the combination of the above that occurs at the time of the event that creates trauma. While most people heal on heir own from traumatic events this does not always occur.
Trauma is highly disruptive to relationships because the person experiences and lives with high levels of anxiety and fear. A person with trauma can be angry, irritable, unpredictable, impulsive, constantly scanning for danger or looking at the negative and have problematic use of drugs and alcohol. It is important to obtain professional treatment if you have experienced trauma and it is still negatively impacting your relationship or marriage.
How does couples therapy help those who have experienced trauma
Couples learn:
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how trauma impacts their relationship or marriage
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how to manage the symptoms of trauma when they occur
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learn how to have their needs met
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Learn how to manage conflict
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Process past regrettable incidents that were compounded by symptoms of trauma
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Create meaning together despite trauma.
To schedule a complimentary 15 minute phone consultation to see if couples therapy with me is a match for your relationship or marriage
Find a Gottman trained therapist in your area:
The Gottman Referral Network