Integrating the Gottman Method into Couples Therapy
Gottman Method Couples Therapy is not a separate type of couples counseling—it’s a research-based approach used within couples therapy to help partners build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. I integrate the Gottman Method into couples therapy to provide practical tools that foster emotional connection, improve communication, and navigate conflict effectively.​
West Coast Psychotherapy specializes in helping couples harness the power of the Gottman Method within Couples Therapy. Led by me, John Edwards, one of the few Black, Certified Gottman Method Relationship Therapists in the country, I provide structured, research-backed support for couples looking to rebuild and strengthen their relationship.
I am dedicated to empowering couples to reconnect and thrive—whether you’re struggling with communication, trust, or simply want to deepen your bond. Let me guide you on your journey towards a happier, more connected life together.
Navigating Gottman Method Couples Therapy
Start from the beginning or choose your specific path to learn how I utilize the Gottman Method in couples therapy to help transform relationships.
What is Gottman Method Couples Therapy?
The Gottman Method is a research-based approach used within couples therapy to help partners focus on building strong, lasting relationships. Developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, this method emphasizes the importance of emotional connection, effective communication, and conflict management. By understanding your partner's emotional world and developing practical skills, you can create a fulfilling and enduring partnership.
Building a Strong Foundation
At the heart of the Gottman Method Couples Therapy is the belief that strong relationships are built on emotional connection. By cultivating a deep understanding of your partner and responding to their emotional needs, you can create a solid foundation for your relationship.
Love Maps
Developing intimate knowledge of your partner's world is essential for a thriving relationship. Through open and honest communication, you'll learn about their hopes, dreams, fears, and values. This shared understanding fosters a sense of connection and empathy.
Turning Towards Bids for Connection
Every day, your partner makes small bids for your attention and affection. By responding positively to these bids, you strengthen your emotional bond. Learning to recognize and respond to these moments creates a climate of trust and intimacy.
Manage Conflict Constructively
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. However, how you handle disagreements can significantly impact your connection. The Gottman Method teaches you effective strategies for managing conflict in a way that preserves your relationship.
4 Big Communication Mistakes Couples Make:
The Four Horseman of the Apocalpyse
The relationship communication process can go awry quite quickly for numerous reasons. John Gottman, PhD and Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD the creators of the Gottman Method for Couples Therapy, identified 4 communication patterns that when present will predict the communication process will spiral downward within 90 seconds. The Gottmans refer to these 4 communication patterns as the Four Horsemen of Apocalypse. Yes, this alludes to the death and destruction found in the Book of Revelation in the bible but this is where the connection ends. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse also predict divorce or relationship demise or destruction within 5 years with over 90% accuracy hence the reference and name.
Criticism
Criticism involves attacking your partner's character or personality. It often starts with "you" statements that blame and accuse. For instance, "You never listen to me" or "You're so selfish." This type of communication creates defensiveness and resentment, hindering effective problem-solving.
Antidote: Focus on specific behaviors and express your feelings. For example, "I feel hurt when the dishes are left in the sink." This approach encourages open dialogue and problem-solving.
Defensiveness
An attempt to protect yourself from perceived criticism. It involves blaming your partner or denying responsibility for your actions. For example, "It's not my job to do the dishes." Defensiveness prevents open communication and hinders problem-solving.
Antidote: Take responsibility for your actions and avoid blaming your partner. For instance, "I understand you're frustrated, and I'll make sure to clean up the kitchen next time."
Contempt
Contempt is the most destructive of the Four Horsemen, as it conveys disgust and superiority. It often involves sarcasm, mockery, or insults.
Example: "What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you just clean up the kitchen after you eat? You’re such a lazy slob. I work hard all day and I came home, made dinner, and cleaned up the kitchen after I was done because I actually have manners and respect for others."
Contempt erodes respect and trust, making it difficult to repair the relationship.
Antidote: Cultivate appreciation and respect for your partner. Focus on their positive qualities and contributions to the relationship. State your own feelings, needs, and wants. This can be quite challenging because you have to know what your own needs and wants are and state them in a noncritical, non-defensive and non-contemptuous way.
"I feel really flustered when the kitchen is messy. I would really appreciate it if you could clean up once you’re finished eating."
Stone Walling
Stonewalling is withdrawing from the conversation to avoid conflict. It can involve physical withdrawal (leaving the room) or emotional withdrawal (becoming silent or unresponsive). Stonewalling creates distance and prevents problem-solving.
Antidote:
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First, try to remain in the conversation.
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If you're not able to do that STOP the conversation with a simple “I am sorry, I am not able to talk right now. I need to take a break.”
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Then take a break for at least 30 minutes. The purpose of the break is to self-soothe and calm yourself down.
Flooding & Self-Soothing
When intense emotions arise during a conflict, it's common to experience what's known as physiological flooding. ​Physiologically flooded means that our pulse is over 100 beats per minute or over 80 beats per minute for those who are quite athletic. In this state, we are biologically unable to have a productive conversation.
Self Soothe
To regain composure and prevent escalating the conflict, it's essential to Self Soothe. Take a break from the conversation to engage in calming activities like deep breathing, listening to music, or spending time in nature.
DO NOT
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Use this time to ruminate on the argument or plan your next move. This will only intensify your emotions. Instead, focus on calming down and regaining your perspective.
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Try not to engage in thoughts such as “Why is s/he doing this to me?” which is called innocent victimhood or thoughts of righteous indignation “I don’t have to put up with this *^*&%%*^.”
Overcome Relationship Challenges with the Gottman Method
We will work together to:
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Identify how the Four Horsemen are impacting your relationship
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Implement the antidotes when a horseman is used as you talk with each other as a couple.
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Use effective, positive communication strategies
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Build a stronger, more resilient partnership
Start your journey toward a happier healthier relationship today!
Step-by-Step What to Expect in Therapy
Gottman Method Couples Therapy Process
Assessment Phase
Gottman Relationship Checkup - 60-90 min
This online assessment is an opportunity to provide specific information about your perspective on the current state of your relationship plus individual history, current functioning, and family history.
Session 1:
The Joint Interview
90 minute session
We’ll explore the details of your relationship history as a couple including hard times and good times.
Session 2:
Individual Interviews
90 minutes, split into two 45-minute sessions
Each of you will meet with me individually. During each session, I will obtain more detailed information about your personal and family history and experiences.
Session 3:
Feedback Session
90 minutes, split into two 45-minute parts
During the Feedback session, I will provide you with written feedback which is a snapshot of your relationship based on your joint interview, individual interviews, and the Gottman Relationship check-up. This includes the challenges and strengths observed in your relationship and pathways for moving toward healing and repairing your relationship. This may take about half of the session. If enough time remains we can begin the active intervention couple’s therapy process.
Intervention
Once the assessment process is complete, I will utilize the Gottman Method as the primary modality and base for interventions. I will also utilize concepts from other modalities such as Accelerated Dynamic Psychotherapy for Couples (AEDPfc), Interpersonal Neurobiology for Couples, Internal Family Systems for Couples and Brainspotting. Each intervention used will be purposed to help you repair, revitalize, rejuvenate, and strengthen your relationship. This includes the crucial tasks of rebuilding trust and gaining a greater understanding of each other.
Affair Recovery:
The Gottman Trust Revival Method
Infidelity is a deeply painful experience that can shatter trust and leave couples questioning the future of their relationship. The Gottman Trust Revival Method offers a structured approach to healing and rebuilding trust after an affair.​
This method consists of three distinct phases:
Atonement
The first phase involves acknowledging the pain caused by the infidelity and taking responsibility for the actions.
The Betrayed Partner may have numerous questions about the affair, seeking details about the who, what, where, when, and how. This phase often serves as a corrective experience, validating the betrayed partner's feelings and confirming their reality. It's important to note that sex-related questions and exploring the "why" of the affair are typically avoided during this phase, as they can increase trauma for the betrayed partner.
The Betrayer must be completely open, honest, and transparent when answering the betrayed partner's questions. All contact with the affair partner must cease, and the betrayer should be prepared to provide complete access to emails, cell phones, and any other relevant information. It's crucial to avoid minimizing the impact of the affair or providing evasive answers. Demonstrating empathy and expressing deep remorse is essential during this phase.
Attunement
The second phase focuses on rebuilding emotional connection and communication.
The Couple must end patterns of conflict avoidance and create a shared narrative about how the affair came about. The couple should learn to turn towards each other's bids for emotional connection. Replacing negativity, such as trash talking or harboring resentments, with appreciation, cherishing, and gratitude is essential. Establishing a couple identity within a supportive community can strengthen the relationship.
Attachment
The final phase focuses on rebuilding trust and creating a new, stronger relationship.
The couple develops skills to discuss and manage ongoing issues, often referred to as "gridlocked perpetual problems." Learning to have open and intimate conversations is crucial. Building mutual investment, interdependence, and a willingness to make sacrifices for the relationship is essential. Fostering a positive regard for each other and engaging in pro-relationship activities strengthens the bond.
Establishing clear boundaries and setting a "high cost" for future betrayals can deter infidelity. Creating personal sex and intimate trust is a significant step in the healing process. Ultimately, the goal is to bring new shared meaning into the relationship.
These complex processes require guidance from a skilled therapist.
As a Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist, I can provide the support and expertise needed to navigate this challenging journey. Remember, healing from infidelity is a process, and it's essential to seek professional help.
